Starting my Morning Right

Every morning when I wake up I read the Bible and the newspaper because I want to see what both sides are up to.

Who did Michael Vick find?

The press reported that Michael Vick found Jesus, Son of God. Actually he found Jesus, son of Jorge. Jesus was an illegal alien on the corner by the court house looking for work. Vick is going to have him clean out the kennels and mow the yard. He needs to get the resale value of the mansion up.

New Feature-"Yes, I would-No, I wouldn't"

Yes, I would-the babe running for President in Argentina
No, I wouldn't-Hillary Clinton

Yes, I would-E. D. Hill
No, I wouldn't- Heidi Cullen

Yes, I would-Fred Thompson's wife
No, I wouldn't-Obama's wife.

Fight the Global Warming Hoax Tip#3

Make fun of someone driving a hybrid. You are driving that full size truck, van, or SUV because you're an American and earned it. Especially if the driver of the hybrid is a guy, let him know what a chick car he is driving.

Fight the Global Warming Hoax Tip #2

Increase the size of your carbon footprint from size ten to whatever size Shaq wears. If you have a second car that is an old clunker drive that sucker more. Take that long weekend vacation. Up the wattage of all of the light bulbs in your home. Change that stupid setting on your computer that turns the screen off.

The way to tick off both the environmental wackos and PETA-three letters-BBQ. There is no more enjoyable way of increasing your carbon footprint than by throwing some beef on the fire.

Fight the Global Warming Hoax Tip #1

When I go to a place where I have to use the restroom and I am not paying for the toilet paper (hotel, public restroom, the office, etc.), I use as much as possible. Take that Sheryl Crow.

Just Say No to Global Warming

After listening to a brain damaged by drugs buffoon droone on and on about global warming the other day I realized that only a complete idiot would believe the global warming hoax.

Entiltement Nation

I usually avoid going to the grocery store the first two weeks of the month, but sometimes it can't be avoided. All of Entitlement Nation was there using their food stamps. I was the only one there paying with money that I earned. On second thought, everyone was there paying with money I earned.

Full House Explained

Bob Saget is funny because he is not supposed to be funny at all and he is not funny. Doug Coulier is not funny because he is supposed to be funny but he is not funny. John Stamos can't sing, nor is he funny.

Stay tuned for the lowdown on the Brady father's hair.

Their Concern Moves Me So Much That I Will Need More Than One Square

I just read an article about some Americans that were very upset about the rights of terrorists at Guantanimo being violated. These same people would be the first to point fingers at the President if we had another 9/11 and then cheer because it would help Hillary or Obama in '08. I don't think our health system could handle it if the left were to voluntarily get the psychological treatment they truly need.

Nightmares

This Rosie going to the bathroom thing is still grossing me out. The FCC ought to make a rule, any discussion of Rosie O'Donnell below the waist should not be allowed on the airwaves.

Lance, You did the Right Thing.

Let me first state outright, I am twice the man Lance Armstrong is. Still, at least he had the balls to get rid of Cheryl Crowe. One sheet a sitting, imagine waking up in the middle of the night and smelling that.

Eternal Warming

I am thinking, someone who purposely lies as much as Algore will find out the true meaning of warming after he dies.

Equal Rights

OK, Imus is an idiot, but he was an idiot long before "nappy head hos". He is a good model to place before children to warn them not to use drugs.


The parent companies of the two companies that fired Imus also own record companies. Those two companies have gansta rappers on their lables. These guys, er sing, no that's night right, these guys ramble about hos, beyatches, and other assorted obscenities. We should demand that they fire them too.

Defying the Godess

I am reading a book right now and I am really enjoying it. And I don't have Oprah's permission to read it. Someday I might go to jail for this. One of her commandments is "Thou shalt have no independent thought."

Battle of the Messiahs-Round Two

I almost forgot, the winner of the Tom Cruise/Bono fight for mastery of the known universe will also have to fight Oprah, who many women consider their goddess. I give her the upper hand against either one.

Battle of the Messiahs-Tom Cruise vs. Bono

There are some who think that Tom Cruise is the Messiah while others think that Bono, the smartest man on earth, is the Messiah. There can only be one Messiah. I propose a Messiah Smack Down, Cruise vs. Bono, last man standing is the Messiah. They could do it in Vegas. This could be bigger than Lord of the Rings.

Good Bye Anna Nicole?

As we wave a fond farewell to our favorite big Texas stripper, I can't help but think how much the pink funeral reminds me of the wedding in Steel Magnolias.

Inconvenient Boob

If Algore produced a big lie to win an Oscar, what else has he lied about during his eight years of being vice president and seven years since the presidency which was rightfully his ("yeah, Tipper, it was mine") was denied him by a vast right wing conspiracy?

What the hell is wrong with us.

The big story was the spurned astronaut in diapers. Then Anna Nicole dies. Then crazy Britney shaves her head.

In the meantime. the traitors in congress are abandoning our brave troops, the entire world is being fooled by the global warming hoax, a former madras student could be the next president, and our cities have become more dangerous than Baghdad.

Don't worry, a new season of American Idol just started.